Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The air taste purple.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
