if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
