I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
