Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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