just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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