Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
