onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That accounts for only three of the penises
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize