well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
