apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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