when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
