3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
