i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
