wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
