I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
