My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I checked into jail on foursquare
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
