i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That accounts for only three of the penises
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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