I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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