just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
