new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
