Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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