You're my little dorito
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
