My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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