Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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