my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
