Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
