she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
