dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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