how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
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