His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
