Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize