Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
