rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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