my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
