Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
