Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
