fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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