Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
