just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
