More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
