If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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