:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
