Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
