I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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