i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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