i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
