remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so let's talk penis.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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