I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
