Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
