It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
