Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
