Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
