Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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