I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
