she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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