you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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