I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Holy sore nipples Batman
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
