Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
