yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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