she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
