There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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