Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
